They Said What About Me?

Okay so this is more of a growth post, in regards to myself, but I think it also has the potential to resonate with some of you guys.

I've always been able to understand people very easily. I've put a lot of effort into listening to others, being observant to the little things about them, good and bad. And one night a month or so ago, my friend was talking about me, and she said, "Well Ali can tell you what you hate about yourself when you haven't even figured it out yet." And she's said it before, and I've laughed. I'm not upset with her. But this time, I didn't find it funny anymore. I remember looking down, thinking, "That's still a defining characteristic of mine? I really hope not."

Because four years ago, even two years ago actually, that was me. When someone wronged me, made me feel weak, I saw it as defending myself. If you said something bad about me, I had to say something worse about you. And I knew I could do it. But why was I doing that? I was given this gift of understanding people and had a drive to learn about the little parts of them. Using that gift to hurt others because they "started it?" Sounds like a waste of that talent. Sounds like it says more about me than it does about them. 

So where did this stem from? I'm not a mean person, I never have considered myself one. But I had very weak moments. When I felt attacked, I was desperately trying to look like I wasn't hurt. Anger stems from fear, and I was scared. I was bullied when I was a lot younger, and it was happening in high school. It was happening in college. And it was worse? I didn't understand. And I thought fighting back was the appropriate response. I wanted to get the focus off of me, and put it on someone else. I was insecure about certain things... I was trying to get away from them. My thought process was, "Why talk about what's wrong with me, when we can talk about what's wrong with you?"

But really, why talk about any of it? What good does this do? Because we only hurt other people when there's something hurting inside of us. If I'm so great at being observant and can pay attention to the little things that make people so interesting, I can easily come up with good things about everyone. It's entirely up to me to use my skill in a positive light. 

You know, I still get heated when someone insults me online or I hear they've talked badly about me behind my back. I feel a fire inside of me that says "Go ahead Ali, say something. Don't let them talk about you like that." But honestly...I feel for them. Eventually they'll look look in the mirror and realize why they said the things they did. But it's not my job to tell them. It's not my job to cause more pain, they have enough.

So how did I change this? How did I stop responding to people in this way? Well, I started finding more things I liked about myself. I made it a priority. I addressed my insecurities. Once I focused more on loving myself, I realized it was easier to love other people. Of course, the energy you have inside of you is directly connected to the energy you put out into the world. When we stop being so hard on ourselves, it's easier to not be as hard on other people. It's easier to look at their positives, than their negatives. Simply because, we've been looking at our own positives, rather than our negatives. 

I'm putting this online because I'm sharing a lot of thoughts with you guys that seem like I know what's right. I don't really. But my advice has only come from experience that I've learned through my own mistakes. This was something I had to learn. To me, it wouldn't have been an honest post if I had acted like I wasn't ever in the wrong. 

Thanks guys, have a good rest of your week. 

- Ali 

3 Notes of the Week

1. If you're doing it for a "thank you"...don't do it. 

- If you continuously put in effort toward someone and do not get the appreciation you think you deserve, stop putting in the effort. When we make dinner for someone, and they don't appreciate it- it is on us if we keep making them dinner. We know the response we're getting, if we want appreciation, it isn't going to come from them. 

- The appreciation you receive, or lack there of, does not define the amount of worth your efforts have. You could be an unbelievable chef, don't stop cooking simply because someone doesn't tell you that you're the next Bobby Flay. Or Giada De Laurentiis. 

- Many times, a thank you doesn't feel like enough. Hours upon hours cooking in the kitchen for a thank you? That may not even feel genuine? Though we want someone to thank us for helping in some way, make sure how you're helping makes you feel better about yourself as well. 

2. Put your empathy to good use.

- Showing empathy is one of my strengths. It always has been. However, sometimes I get distracted by it. I feel for someone, and I at times ignore that there were decisions made that could have been helped. It is important to choose where to put your empathetic energy. It doesn't belong everywhere. That's exhausting.

- If someone is making bad decisions repeatedly, it is not on you to sit there and say "I understand how you feel" over and over again. If they want to learn from mistakes, they will. If they don't, do not let them drag you down with them. Your empathy is not to be taken advantage of so use it wisely. 

- People confuse empathy and sympathy all of the time. We mostly talk about this on the giving end, but it also applies to the receiving end. Your "I understand how you feel" might be taken as a "I'm sorry you feel this way," and therefore leaves the person feeling like their bad decisions have been condoned. We have to make our intentions clear. We understand, but we don't accept.

3. You do not have to be who you are currently...forever.

- Whenever someone does something they shouldn't have done, I always hear the response of "that's just who I am though," or "I can't help who I am." ...Yes you can. Look at who you were five years ago. Look at who you are now. I guarantee you've changed in numerous ways without even trying, so imagine if you did try.

- No one is going to tell you who you are supposed to be. There is not a list of characteristics you are supposed to have and are going to have forever. Who you become is up to you. And your idea of who you want to be might change overtime. And that's okay! Don't be afraid of this, be excited about it. 

That's it guys! I hope everyone has had a wonderful week!

- Ali

This is About Pain. But it's Uplifting.

Well it seems as though I have defeated those odds I was talking about yesterday. I am here with my second post. I won't be posting every single day, but I wanted to get some content out there for you guys. I'm excited. I hope you're excited.

In my first post, I made a comment about the participation award. For those of you who aren't aware of the award, it is simply recognition for trying. I got many of these. It seems like a lovely concept. It's thoughtful to tell someone that you recognize they put in some effort. It's often given to children when they play sports and not everyone can be MVP. As we know, this is not the only way that people get rewarded for trying. For example, when you audition for the school play and everyone gets cast in it. On a more mature level, when someone stays in a relationship with you just because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Avoiding the Inevitable

Though these scenarios are different, I took some time to think about why they are similar. The reason is that they all are trying to avoid pain. Now unfortunately, pain is simply a part of life. Of course, the pain you experience is based on your unique perspective. What you find painful, someone else may not. But the concept of pain is something every single person goes through. I find this a bit comforting in itself...knowing that I'm not alone in that regard.

When we avoid pain, we aren't recognizing its importance in our lives. Our struggles are what build us, what shape us into the individuals that we become. We know this. So why do we avoid it? Well, it doesn't feel good. Parents don't like to see their kids hurting, they know what it feels like. They want to protect their children from it as much as possible. We also have consciences. We don't want to inflict pain on someone else. Therefore, it's easier to stay in a relationship with someone than feel the guilt of knowing you hurt another person. Even though, you shouldn't feel guilty for recognizing and addressing when something isn't working.

Because when we avoid pain, we also avoid learning how to deal with it. When we don't know how to deal with something, it just sits there and becomes a bigger and bigger issue. We want to keep a painful time as a process we work through, not something we become. 

The Dreaded "F" Word

Perhaps the first thing we can do is change the way we look at failure. I don't even like that word. Failure is simply "a lack of success." I would rather say that a person tried...and it didn't work out. There are many reasons as to why we do or don't succeed at something. You could try out for a part in a film, have an amazing audition, but they already had someone else in mind. You didn't fail. It simply didn't work out. You can try as hard as you're able to in a relationship, but they might not be a good fit for you. You didn't fail at being in a relationship. It simply didn't work out.

Side note: This isn't to say if you get a 56% on a test because you didn't study, you say it "didn't work out." Don't...don't take full advantage of $2 domestic bottles at happy hour on Tuesday, forget about your exam, and say, "Ali said I didn't fail, it just wasn't in the cards."

Anyway, I don't know your story. So I don't know if any of this helps. I'm not sure about any tragic moments you've experienced, that aren't simply fixed with a different mindset. But, maybe this helps with the little things, so you can focus getting through the bigger things. We don't get to choose everything that happens to us, but we get to decide how to work through it.

Have a wonderful day!

- Ali

Welcome

Hi there. It's me. Ali.

This is the introduction post. The one post that most bloggers successfully complete. I'll post this to Facebook and unless I defeat the odds, you will never see a post from this blog again.

I wish I had a theme. Wouldn't that be great? However, I'm an average cook, I think politics are fascinating but there's a lot I don't understand, I think my religious beliefs are my business, and my movie reviews sound like "It was good! I loved that one guy." So. That leaves us without a theme.

A little bit about me, I suppose. I am a recent graduate. Wild right? A recent graduate with a blog, I am a DIAMOND in the rough. I think my opinion is important because society has taught me that everything that comes out of this mouth is pure gold. My feelings are the most important. Always. And, in the 5th grade I got the participation award for softball, which is the reason why I don't know how to deal with failure.

lol.

No but honestly, I'm writing this blog because I'm in a time where I am flooded with questions, and am not given many answers. It's something to become comfortable with, because most of my questions may never be answered. I know there are many people who feel the same as I do, perhaps I can help in some way.

That's right. I care about people.

I know what you're thinking. That could be my theme. NO. I'm sticking with my title. It's fun.

Alright. Well, this looks like a decent first post. Short enough that you'll read the whole thing. Long enough that you think I'm serious about this.

Enjoy your day.

- Ali